you can't eat enough toast

ho ho ho. today might as well be the day. the last 11 hours or so have already doled out a surprise or two, so it seems like a good idea to start documenting some of this shit.

first things first- i watched an entire ove glove infomercial yesterday. our ability, as animals, to spend a full 30 minutes fawning over the virtues of a fucking oven mitt is fascinating to me. it would seem as though 99.2% of the things we do and say in our lives is absolutely without purpose or merit.

so i was just tickled shitless when i showed up at the christmas party last night and there was an ove glove laying on the counter. i think it was my reward for the gift of the clapper. last minute gifts from walgreens usually work out to be the best. the glove wasn't any rosetta stone or anything, but you can indeed handle a flaming piece of firewood with it.

how i managed to make it into the kitchen is beyond me. but thank god i puked the 2 gallons of cheap table wine and various spreads, tapenade, and grain products all over the tile floor, instead of the omnipresent white carpet- which now impresses me for the fact that the house is inhabited by a couple of rakes, prone to their own episodes of egestion and sauce induced feats of dexterity. having your friend mop up after you've spewed about 30 bucks worth of calories (that he supplied) all over his kitchen is some sort of indirect act of submission- like laying belly up to the alpha dog. i'm not sure what else i could have done, maybe i should have shown somebody my penis.

this isn't going to be pretty. oh well, it's not pretty on the inside, either. kind of like last night, i guess. anybody have some wine?